First Quarter Report Card (Relief Pitchers)

When I was in elementary school, the school was concerned that putting letter grades in a student’s report card could be detrimental to a student’s self-esteem. So, instead of an A through F scale, your report card would be littered with any combination of +, S+, S, S- and the dreaded U. Given the shaky performance of the Killers through the first quarter of the season, the last thing I want to do is harm certain players’ fragile psyches (or exacerbate any “sinus problems”). In lieu of letter grades, we will be using other signs that represent varying degrees of performance. Please find below our new grading system:

A  = Back to the Future

Exceeds all expectations.  Excellent performance.  No major deficiencies.

B = Argo

A solid effort. Delivers at or above expectations, but room for improvement (I generally enjoyed the story and the awesome late ’70s look; to be honest, however, given the complete lack of character development, I really would not have cared if all the characters were caught and tortured or if the plane was shot down).

C = There will be Blood

Average product.  Underwhelming (I know, I know, I am supposed to love this movie since it stars the best actor of his generation and was a Paul Thomas Anderson production through and through, but I had zero connection with the characters and I found the score a painful distraction).

D = Taken II

Overall, a rather pitiful effort, with some small slivers of respectability (I wished they would have killed the whole family in Taken so that the sequel couldn’t be made; that said, the location of the film was great (since when has Istanbul become so hip?).

F = White Chicks

White chicks.jpg

An absolute monstrosity devoid of any redeeming qualities (I only sat through this streaming pile of celluloid because it was the only English language program on TV on a visit to Rome (no wonder the world no longer looks to America as a beacon of hope, promise and enlightenment)).

In those very, very special circumstances, we will consider giving out an A+, I mean a Shawshank Redemption.


Huston Street

H. Street 17.1 0 9 12 4.67 1.27













I want to run,

I want to hide (from Street’s terrible peripheral numbers)

I want to tear down these walls

that hold me inside

I want to reach out

and touch the flame

When Huston Street enters the game (because the burning sensation in my hand will help take my mind off of Street’s career worst numbers-before this season his season worst WHIP was 1.22, which he recorded while playing half of his games in Coors in 2011 and his lowest K per 9 rate was 8.3, which occurred during his rookie campaign in 2005).

Let’s go, Huston. You are my number One, but I may end up having to win this league With or Without You playing your best. Just go out there and pitch for your Pride (in the name of your love for the game). And, please no more Sunday, Bloody Sundays (actually, the two biggest implosions occurred on Fridays, but that would have messed up my lame U2 word play).

Bobby Parnell

B. Parnell 18.1 4 5 16 0.98 0.71












Bobby Parnell has supplemented Chris Parnell as my favorite NYC Parnell. Chris Parnell played a role in two of my favorite SNL sketches: Lazy Sunday and More Cowbell. Plus, his turn as Dr. Leo Spaceman in 30 Rock was classic.

Chris Parnell always had the talent, he just needed an opportunity, much like Bobby P, who is sporting amazing numbers. Only five saves? C’mon, Mets, give this guy some stage time (although I will happily take the five wins)!!

Steve Cishek

S. Cishek 16.2 1 5 17 5.44 1.44












Cishek gets the Denny Green Award for the first quarter.

He is who they thought he was!” (what, you thought this was the Serial Molester Award?).

Unfortunately for the Killers, I thought he was a bit better than what most fantasy experts thought. His WHIP and ERA are up sharply from last year. His appearances are about as clean as a Malaysian election.

Edward Mujica

E. Mujica 17.0 0 12 16 1.59 0.53













I think Mujica should start incorporating dialogue from The Last of the Mohicans into his appearances.  Imagine Mujica running in from the pen yelling “No matter what occurs, I will save you!” or staring softly at a hitter he just rung up and gently stating “I am sorry to kill you, brother. I do honor your courage and speed, your strength.”

Kevin Gregg

K. Gregg 10.0 0 6 12 0.00 0.90












Who is this guy and what has he done with Kevin Gregg’s right arm?  The devil must have stolen a soul at some point over the past six months.

The Orioles must be especially perplexed. During Gregg’s two year stint with the Birds in 2011 and 2012, his lowest ERA and WHIP were 4.37 and 1.64, respectively. In 2012, opposing batters hit .294 against him.

Ultimately, I will not look a gift Gregg in the mouth, as I need all the saves I can get.

Plus, we do have Professor Gregg (not to be confused with Public Enemy’s Minister of Information, Professor Griff) to thank for teaching us much about the unwritten code of professional baseball when he and Big Papi were slinging bolos in a 2011 fracas.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Comment Requirement *