After proclaiming his indifference as to the teams the Giants might face on their march to the Super Bowl, Antrel Rolle declared that his “heart doesn’t pump any Kool Aid, just blood.”
First off, what does that even mean? Is he referring to the fact that he is warm blooded and, therefore, more adequately prepared for competition? No offense to Mr. Rolle and the rest of the G-Men’s defensive squad, but I think a team of crocodiles or even eleven scorpions would march the Giants up and down the field all day.
The more I think about it, however, I think I would prefer my favorite players to have Kool Aid in their veins. Let’s be honest, if an anthropomorphic jug of this crap can run through a brick wall, just imagine what James Harrison or Jared Allen would do to opposing QBs while hopped up on a never-ending supply of flavored sucrose. I wonder if certain flavors would provide any specific advantages–I can’t imagine Golden Nectar doing much for anyone, but massive amounts of Scary Black Cherry? No can defend.
If the players would respond to a circulatory system filled with Rainbow Punch the same way my son reacts after gulping down just a single solo cup filled with the Orange, we would be able to eradicate one of the more inane cliches from the modern day sports lexicon–“He’s got an endless motor”–because everyone would be going non-stop. By the way, this phrase should never be uttered during a football broadcast, I mean of course he’s got an endless motor, he runs around for ten seconds, has a minute rest, runs around for three seconds, falls down, lays on the ground for another ten seconds and then we have what feels like a twenty minute TV timeout–I believe it is this sequence of events that is the root cause of roughly 50% of all marital arguments from early September to early February:
Wife: How much time is left in the game?
Husband: Only five more minutes.
Wife: Great, my favorite program on Lifetime begins in five minutes. I just love me some Reba McEntire; she is so fiery! This will give me time to light my new scented candles and update my Facebook status.
30 minutes pass.
Wife: You lying piece of &@!!$%&!!!…