I was surprised to read on Wednesday night that Jeff Kent was retiring. No, I was not surprised by the fact he was actually hanging up his glove and spikes, but rather I was amazed that he was in the news since I was thinking of him on Inauguration Day (while the rest of the world was conjuring up thoughts of Lincoln, Kennedy and King, I was thinking of Jeff Kent–the sports obsessed mind works in mysterious ways!). Lost among the celebration of Obama’s historic inauguration was the fact that Dick Cheney was confined to a wheelchair.
It was reported that he had injured his back while moving boxes. Yeah, right, like that man doesn’t have clones to do that type of work while he is hanging out at some undisclosed location. It is more plausible that he slipped carrying a bucket of water to the next peaceful interrogation exercise (it’s not torture if it only feels like you are drowning) or that he tripped in the woods while taking aim at another friend’s face. I think Cheney was actually pulling a “Kent.” In 2002, Kent claimed he injured his wrist when he fell washing his truck when in actuality he wiped out doing tricks on his motorcycle (which he was forbidden to ride pursuant to the terms of his contract).
Every time I hear of an odd injury, I think of Kent. While Kent’s initial explanation was strange, it was no stranger than some of these “injuries”:
* In June 2005, Rockies rookie Clint Barmes was carrying venison given to him from teammate Todd Helton up a flight of stairs and fell down and broke his collarbone.
* San Diego pitcher Adam Eaton stabbed himself in the stomach with a paring knife as he was trying to open a DVD (if the CIA is looking for new interrogation techniques, look no further than forcing suspects to either open new DVDs or dislodge kiddie toys from their packaging–even John McCain could not endure those tortuous activities!).
* During a May 2002 tanning session, former Minnesota Twin and 1995 Rookie of the Year Marty Cordova fell asleep and received some nasty sunburn, which forced him to miss some day games.
* Braves’ hurler John Smoltz burned his chest while ironing a shirt…which he was wearing at the time!
Here’s wishing Kent a peaceful and safe retirement!